The Sheer Size Of Rag’n’Bone Man’s Tour Bus, Also Starring Carol Vorderman and Jake The Office Dog

WOW. That’s all we can say. WOW. Again. The size of the thing. It’s not a bus, it’s a hotel on wheels. It’s a bus so big that wherever it parks, it is automatically given a new postcode. It’s a bus so big that you could play a concert in Manchester, get on the bus, walk to the other end and play a concert in London. It’s a BIG OLD BUS.

Jake The Small Man Office Dog (foreground) is unimpressed by Rag'n'Bone Man's vast tour bus (background)
Jake The Small Man Office Dog (foreground) is unimpressed by Rag’n’Bone Man’s vast tour bus (background)

Sorry! Went off on a bit of a tangent there. It’s just that last week, top pop turn Rag’n’Bone Man, he who is only human after all, rocked up in Wolverhampton, the city that Small Man Media calls home, to play a concert at the Civic Hall. Now, the Small Man offices are very close to the Civic Hall (or, as locals prefer to put it, ‘Civic Hall? Just next door to the legendary Small Man Media, mate’) and we’re very used to seeing top music, showbiz and sports turns show up in their swish modes of transport. Some of them are absolutely huge. Indeed, just a couple of weeks back, it was the Grand Slam Of Darts, so it wasn’t just the cars and minivans that were vastly overweight.

Rag'n'Bone Man: Refused our offer of a cup of tea, not that we're bitter
Rag’n’Bone Man: Refused our offer of a cup of tea, not that we’re bitter

Rag’n’Bone Man’s tour bus though! It’s so big that the concert was on Monday and it’s actually still trying to parallel-park. It was so thunderous and huge that its arrival made the Small Man office shake, causing many of our NUMEROUS INDUSTRY AWARDS to fall off the shelves. It’s the biggest thing to hit Wolverhampton this year since Nuno Espirito Santo took over the mighty Wolves, and much like Wolves’ promotion charge, the wheels ain’t comin’ off it.

What we’re trying to say is: Rag’n’Bone Man has a really big tour bus.

Fair enough really, his band is quite hefty too. We did actually invite him via Twitter to pop over the office for a cup of tea but he never got back to us, presumably because he had tried to find one of the toilets on his bus and had got lost. But we have a Rag’n’Bone Man anecdote which just goes to underline just how fantastically well-connected we are, and it involves Carol Vorderman, a popular brand of tonic wine and fried chicken, and you can’t say that about your typical run-of-the-mill anecdote.

Writer Monkey Pete, who has taken to referring to himself in the third person in this blog for some reason, knows Rag’n’Bone Man. Pete, in his spare moments, does a bit of rap music journalism on the side, and in 2014 wrote, for the price of one bottle of Malbec and a pizza, the press bumff for Brighton hip-hop collective Rum Committee’s Boozetown LP. And Rag’n’Bone Man was, and indeed is, a member of Rum Committee, as well as being a top soul-singing troubadour of some standing and reputation. This is why Rag’n’Bone Man has just brought out his own brand of rum. Are you getting all of this?

Earlier this year, Rum Committee provided the support for Rag’n’Bone Man’s last tour, including shows in Bristol and Nottingham. Around about this time, former Countdown host Carol Vorderman expressed the desire to go and see Rag’n’Bone Man in Bristol. Now, in addition to knowing Rag’n’Bone Man, Pete also knows Carol Vorderman (DON’T EVEN ASK) and so brokered the tricky deal of getting her into the Bristol show, which went as follows:

Pete: “Hey Rag’n’Bone Man and Rum Committee, can you get Carol Vorderman into your Bristol show?”
Rag’n’Bone Man and Rum Committee: “Hi Pete! Yes, that’s fine, but she has to come backstage and see us.”

So it wasn’t actually that tricky really. The long and short of it is that TV’s Carol Vorderman DID go to the Bristol show, and indeed the Nottingham show a few nights later, DID end up partying with the South Coast’s most hard-living hip-hop collective, and DID, by all accounts, bring them not one but THREE bottles of Buckfast tonic wine (we’re not familiar with this particular beverage, but apparently it has the same corrosive properties as Alien blood) and merrily joining them as they tucked into a huge post-show fried chicken buffet on the very same gigantic tour bus that was parked outside our palatial residence.

Carol Vordermartin and Rag'n'Bone Man and Rum Committee and all sorts
Carol Vorderman and Rag’n’Bone Man and Rum Committee and all sorts

The whole unseemly brouhaha ended up in the national press, as showbiz writers gleefully leaped upon this tale of La Vorderman’s unlikely bonding with the nation’s naughtiest rap collective. All of which is a roundabout way of saying: If we can engineer a way of getting column inches for Rag’n’Bone Man AND Carol Vorderman AND a popular extra-strength alcoholic beverage AND a high street fried chicken chain of some note at the same time, just think what we could do for YOU.

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